this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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