3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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