Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
