if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
