I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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