u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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