Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
