Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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