I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
