I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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