At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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