I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
