I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
