I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
