At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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