My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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