I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
