The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
