How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
