plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
