I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
