I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she looked like the before picture.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
