Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
