so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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