So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
