My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
