I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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