i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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