you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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