I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
