I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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