I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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