And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
