I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
