I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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