you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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