is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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