and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
