I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it hurts more in the daytime
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dicks are not precious.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
