the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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