Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
