eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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