just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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