I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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