you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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