Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
