I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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