were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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