I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
