I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
