So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
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I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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