You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have post one night stand depression
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
