Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
