Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
