I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
