I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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