I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
God, I missed his penis.
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