I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
