dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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