It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
