my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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