i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
