I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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